I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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