things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
