We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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