I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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