Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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