Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
