I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
