when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
