I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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