Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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