She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize