i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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