Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
