if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
