On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
