11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you had me at cake vodka
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
