I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
