I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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