When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She bit a glass in half.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize