I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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