I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
