There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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