I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize