I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
either way he was missing a nipple.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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