Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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