i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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