I'm eating all of the evidence.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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