you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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