so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
