i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize