if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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