Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
