My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
