either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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