i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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