At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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