marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
third nipple confirmed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
