so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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