I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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