By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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