New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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