i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
the room spins SO much faster in panama
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
