I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
