my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
