what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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