I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
