even my farts smell like vagina
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
