so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize