I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
