I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pooping to opera.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
