someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
