Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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