just come out here and I will go home with you...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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