it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
