He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
