I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
