Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
