She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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