im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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