I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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