so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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